day-61

(Gambar hanya ilustrasi)

After waking up for solat subuh and going back to sleep for a few minutes, I had a dream. It was a rather scary dream that gave me goosebumps. In my dream, I was alone at Rumah Sawi. I don't know where Facu and Tataw, but they clearly left me with the cats.

At 5:30 AM, I woke up and went to the bathroom. The layout of the bathroom and kitchen in the dream was slightly different from the actual layout, but I ignored it. I went to the bathroom and saw someone lying sprawled in blood. I panicked and immediately remembered the serial killer who liked to occupy empty houses. I was afraid if he was still in the house, and clearly he was still there.

day-60: dear mom

All mothers are the same. They have strong instincts and intuitions about their kid. But I often ask myself in silence, does my mother care about me? Can she accept my peculiar mindset? Why isn't she open-minded like others? Why is she still so old-fashioned and conservative? How long do I have to keep my feelings hidden from my own mother?

#mythought Nick's Podcast on Zach Sang Show

One of my dream is to travel and explore the world. I'm particularly drawn to places that I find fascinating, and I honestly dream of visiting Hawaii, Los Angeles, or even Iceland. I'm tired of living in Indonesia and I crave experiencing different cultures. However, I'm also afraid of being in new places, I don't particularly like strange things, and I have a fear of being kidnapped. 😁

I aspire to have a courageous spirit and a progressive mindset. I don't know if it's too late or not, but I (honestly) yearn to possess these qualities. One of the people I admire is Nick Sturniolo. I recently listened to his podcast on the Zack Sang Show. While there are many inspiring podcasts out there, the most recent one I listened to was Nick Sturniolo's.

Have you ever listened to a podcast so intently that you felt like you were attending a seminar? That's what happened to me. I was so engrossed in the podcast. Like many podcasts, they talked about a variety of topics, but the topics on the Zach Sang Show usually focus on the guest. It's more like an interview.

day-51

Last night, Tata, Facu, and I had dinner at Rajawali's Kedai. We planned to just eat and go back home, but I knew that was impossible because we would definitely end up chatting. Somehow, our conversation that night drifted to our school days. Then, suddenly, I remembered my embarrassing experience in high school.

When I said that high school was a dark time for me, I wasn't lying. Let me tell you. And it's so ridiculous that make me wanna throw up.

In high school, I was a loner. I had trouble socializing and making friends with new people. I considered everyone to be strangers and disgusting, but I actually needed friends. By the third week of the year, when people were already starting to study and do assignments, I was still trying to figure out my identity and the ease of this school.

If I said I was a little ‘mentally disturbed’ in high school phase, I wouldn't be lying. There was a time when I went to school wearing a bandage over my eye, wrapping my hand in cloth, and making fake blood out of ink and condensed milk just to get attention from people. I don't want to go into details, but my sister remembers it too.

Now we laugh, but when I remember that episode of my life, I can only smile bitterly and feel ashamed of myself. Why did I do that? It's ridiculous. Did people know that I was just looking for attention? Did they know that I was pretending? Did anyone have a stupid train of thought like me?

Then we agreed that I was probably possessed by a demon or in a concerning state at that time.

Thank God I'm (slightly) normal now and not doing crazy shit again.

Sturniolo Triplets 6M !

My days have become exciting because of something I look forward to every day: new content from Nick, Matt, and Chris on the Sturniolo Triplets YouTube channel. I feel incredibly happy even though I'm just watching them from my gadget screen. 😲

I've been a part of the Sturniolo Triplets family since late November 2023, and today I witnessed them reach 6 million subscribers 😉. I'm proud to be one of them. Honestly, I'm so excited for them.

perkembangan dari tahun ke tahun

Even though I joined the fandom a while ago, I'm not really interested in interacting with other Sturniolo Family members. I prefer to stand on my own and be independent in watching their content. After all, no matter where you go or what fandom you follow, there will always be drama. I'm tired of drama, and I watch the Sturniolo Triplets for entertainment only. Fandom? Not really my thing.

Besides watching their content, I also comment on fan accounts on Twitter and Instagram. There are more fans on TikTok, but I’m not that active on TikTok. I don't really like the app. I can count the number of times I've been on TikTok, maybe once a week to scroll through my FYP.

dreaming: WAR

Tonight, I dreamed that I was in a war. I don't know if it's a war between who and who, but what's clear is that I'm one of the members. The setting of my dream is in the 1950s. I became a scholar or woman who was clever in war. Not someone who fights on the battlefield, but only helps with speeches and educational assistance to the community.

At that time, me and several people were ordered to evacuate immediately because the enemy was at the forefront of our gate protection. I was ordered by the Commander to carry items and save as many files as possible, selected from files that were considered very important.

day-47

Guess what, I think my boss knew that I hate him. And think I don’t care! 😒

Everyone is free to express themselves and voice their thoughts rather than going crazy and showing up at his desk with a knife. Maybe I hate the person, but that does not make me unprofessional. I will continue to perform my duties well and responsibly. I'm paid to work, so I won't do it half-heartedly.

But sometimes I wonder what makes people know and realize that I don't like them. Is my facial expression too obvious? Do I look disgusted when talking to them? 😈

day-45

Ugh, finally, I've become a voter. It took until H-5 to sort out the moving process before I could vote near my place. I distinctly remember how, at the beginning of the year, I was so fed up that I almost decided to golput (abstain), but eventually, I use my right to vote. Five years ago, I also cast my vote in this city, but only for the president. And this time around, it was the same; I voted solely for the president. ✋

I arrived at the TPS around 11:30, well past the scheduled time for moving voters, so naturally, I thought it wouldn't be crowded. But to my surprise, it was quite the opposite. I only managed to cast my vote at 13:00 and had to wait for about an hour and a half, witnessing the foolishness of the people around me.

day-43

I hate fat people. For me, being fat is the easiest way to torture yourself. Ironically, I'm also overweight, obese actually 😐. And in my opinion, obesity is a disease that needs to be addressed immediately because starting with obesity, other diseases will follow you, including chronic diseases that cause death. It can be concluded that obesity can kill you.

Why am I suddenly talking about this? Because yesterday I just got a client who was obese. I even worried whether the client's chair would fit or not. As I was working on my task and he sat waiting in front of me, I heard a breath that sounded like air being blown through a pipe. I was startled and tried to find the source of the sound, only to be shocked by him struggling to breathe.

day-41: throw back

I don't know why I'm writing this; perhaps this syid will only remain a draft or will never be posted. But, for some reason, people might read it. This isn't some top-secret or taboo stuff that shouldn't be seen by others, but I also want to share with the world. I know this writing isn't that important; people can ignore it just like how you ignore me in daily life.

Misfortune and bad luck can happen to anyone – to me, to you, or to our loved ones. It's a shame if such misfortune befalls a friend or a loved one; we surely feel hurt and sad. I've spent the past few days with a mind that won't stop thinking. My body is exhausted, but my mind refuses to be still. Uninvited voices and opinions keep emerging in my subconscious and manage to enter my dreams. Even the Sturniolo Triplets couldn't make it into my dream world, bro. Huh.

I'm trying to stop the madness that has been happening these past few days. I distract myself with activities I find enjoyable and shift conversations to more pleasant topics. I am a thinker and not easily forget an event. Moments of joy or sadness, everything is vividly etched in my mind. That's why sometimes I fear losing those memories and write them down in a book, or struggle to forget the bad things. What a problematic person I am.

I won't tell the details because I don't have the right to do so. I'll only express my feelings, what I'm experiencing right now. It's all mixed up. My mind says this, but my heart keeps denying it, as if this is a struggle of the soul unsure of who will win – anjay.

But if I were in her position, I'm a hundred percent sure I wouldn't be able to sleep, wouldn't have an appetite, and wouldn't be focused at work. Forget that I am an employee who has a 9-5 job, goes to the office, and serves everyone. Working like that is already exhausting, let alone adding problems that should never have existed in the first place. I would be 100% burnt out, take a leave, avoid meeting people, and maybe I don't know... worst case scenario.

I'm confident that we are all strong and can face all of this, even if it means shedding tears first. Perhaps others think I'm okay, 'Hey, why are you so normal? Aren't you worried?' I'M PANICKING, MOTHERFUCKER, BUT STILL CALM BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, I BELIEVE EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, AKA ALL IS WELL. But I'm not.

I don't know how many pages I've written to Bill, but one thing is clear – if Bill really reads it, he must have already sighed, sought forgiveness, or resigned from being my imaginary friend. Well, he said he's resigning.

There's no perfect crime.

 

day-40: STURNIOLO TRIPLETS X SAM AND COLBY

I just found out that there are YouTubers abroad who create paranormal content in haunted places. One of them is Sam & Colby. Apparently, they are pioneers of YouTube who have been around since the beginning and are still going strong. To be honest, I haven't watched their videos yet. But when people were talking about their collaboration with Sturniolo Triplets, I got curious.

I finally decided to watch a few of their videos, especially the ones where they explore haunted places. It was actually quite entertaining. You can tell that they are really into the paranormal world. I would love to suggest that they visit Lawang Sewu in Semarang. HAHA.

Yesterday, Sturniolo Triplets were the guest stars in their video. I was surprised that the video was so long, over an hour. It was like watching a documentary. But hey, I wouldn't get bored watching it if it had Nick, Matt, and Chris in it.

At first I thought Nick would be the most scared, but it turned out to be Chris. He didn't talk much throughout the video, unlike when he makes content with his brothers. Matt was the bravest. He dared to go down the elevator alone and asked the ghost a lot of questions. Relevant questions about ghosts.

People on Twitter were saying that it's understandable why Samantha (the ghost's name) seemed to like Matt. Maybe all the ghosts there are Matt Girls. The Rizz effect, I guess!

It was really fun to see Nick, Matt, and Chris in another YouTuber's video. I could see how they joke around, talk to each other, and interact with other people. The most impressive thing was Matt. I thought he was quiet and introvert, but he talked a lot, was brave, and acted really cool.

If I were one of the ghosts, I would follow them around the hotel all the time. What I'm worried about is if some ghosts follow Nick, Matt, and Chris to their home. In Indonesia, that's called 'ketempelan'. They say you need to be exorcised or take a flower bath. Hmm, I don't know about that.

Anyway, they seemed more modern and 'knowledgeable' than ghost hunters in Indonesia. They use sophisticated equipment to find and communicate with ghosts. The ghosts also "look" elegant and classic, with their own stories. Maybe it's different from ghosts in Indonesia who are scary and can be ordered around. I don't know about that either.

Overall, I really enjoyed watching the video. I hope there will be more collaborations like this in the future.

Bye!

day-39

I am lucky enough to be able to easily access the internet these days. I use my home Wi-Fi to surf the internet, entertainment, news, and the latest trends in the touch of a finger. Imagine if I had to go to an internet café in 2015 to get all that. 

My family wasn't the kind of people who needed the internet. We were just a simple family who followed the flow of society and didn't care about life outside of that. For my parents, social life and direct human interaction were the most important things. They hated it when they saw me listening to music on my MP3 player, watching K-pop videos on my laptop, or even spending time reading novels. They thought it was a waste of time and useless. At least that's what I thought.

day-38

Have I ever told you about my work anxiety? What made me uncomfortable and turned me into a less-than-ideal employee, often late and unmotivated? Thankfully, after tracing back and finding the root of the problem, I managed to overcome it. I finally moved and found a much better atmosphere.

It's true that I basically needed a fresh start. When I think back about how people were treated there, especially the HR staff who acted however they wanted, I get angry and upset all over again. Even though it happened a long time ago. Those annoying people have now moved on and been replaced by new people.

But I will carry this grudge to my grave. I will remember this feeling of hatred until I am old. Those people will never get a good impression from me again. They are the same and always will be.

I'm not surprised if any of my friends are their favorites. They are people pleasers, sycophants, and sweet on the outside. I can't be like that. I can't pretend to be sweet in front of you, willing to spend my time and energy catering to those ridiculous requests. I am who I am, and I can't be controlled or put on a leash.

I don't know. She once said, "If you don't like working here, you might as well do what you're passionate about." Another subtle sentence that indirectly tells me to quit this job rather than be considered incompetent.

They didn't care about my arguments. They didn't care about the mental illness symptoms I was experiencing. Oh, of course they wouldn't care, just wait until they get the news "An employee commits suicide due to work pressure." Only then will they move and stand at the forefront as people who feel responsible. If they are willing to take responsibility.

And I think that episode might happen again in this office, and I'm not going to let that happen. I will be myself with my principles. I will obey the rules, and I will reject the unreasonable attitudes that may be given unwritten in this place. I will fight back. I will do what I think is right.

Again, as long as it doesn't hurt others.

Aren't you tired of being people pleasers? Is that the only way you achieve your career goals? Well, I want to have a career with elegance. I want to achieve my goals my own way. Besides, I'm not a career-oriented person. As long as the job is halal, fits the description, and doesn't hurt myself, I'll take it.

Walking leisurely on the grass is a pleasant thing.

Bye.

day-37

Whoever invented those CAPTCHA codes on every work page deserves a special place in hell. Honestly, they're the bane of my existence. Why? Because I'm slightly dyslexic. So, I have to stare at these distorted letters and numbers, type them in, and all to prove I'm not a robot. What? The system that created CAPTCHAs is the real robot!

Two days ago, Nick created a Google survey on the Cut The Camera Podcast account to find topics. It's this page where you can write whatever's on your mind and they'll give you advice or feedback.

As a good participant, I decided to share my feelings at that moment.

Can you guess what I wrote about?

I poured my heart out about being a 26-year-old woman with a lot on my plate. To be honest, I was a bit embarrassed writing it because they're all younger than me. I felt ashamed that they might (if they read it) find out about my anxieties, which they probably can't relate to. Am I overthinking it? I don't know.

I was worried they'd laugh at my story because at their age of 20, they shouldn't be worrying about the same things as me. If I were them at 20, I would've known exactly what they were going through. Was I wrong to confide in people younger than me?

Anyway, I couldn't relax, especially knowing it was Monday. The day they upload their podcast. Thankfully, the topic that day was astrology, not what was discussed in the Google survey.

I'm just overthinking it.

bye

day-35: Happy Birthday My Friend

Yesterday marked the birthday of my dear friend, Tata. We've been friends for almost six years now. Our paths first crossed when we were assigned to work on this island, where we both embarked on our careers at the same office. We then became roommates, and now, fate has brought us back together in the same office and division. Even more coincidentally, we both from Yogyakarta, which might be one of the reasons we get along so well.

But perhaps that's not the defining factor of our friendship. It's not as if our friendship is always harmonious and devoid of conflict. We have our moments of boredom, dislike, and even anger. It would be a lie to say that our friendship is 100% peaceful.

day-33

HUFF.

I've never felt so frustrated and annoyed with someone like this before. I can't wrap my head around how he thinks and makes decisions. His primary job is supposed to be making decisions.

What’s most irritating is when he asks me, " What do you guys do all day?" As someone who's almost going crazy every day dealing with clients and other tasks, I don't appreciate questions like that. 

Doesn't sending files every evening or providing a register list mean anything to him as work? Does he just ignore it? Does he even bother to read and understand what I've been working on before signing?

He might as well ask, "WHAT IS YOUR JOB?"