Is This The End

Even though my psychologist has told me to accept everything—my sadness and my anger—I’m still (a little) uneasy about where I am right now. It feels like I want to wrap everything up as soon as possible and be free of him. But of course, that’s not easy administratively and in terms of SOP. As an employee who works under regulations, I can’t just casually file for divorce whenever I feel like it, because, well, my job. There are steps I have to take to reach that point.

If he refuses to pronounce talak—which is a stupid reason, considering he was the one who offered it to me first—then I’ll file a lawsuit. But to file a lawsuit, I have to be patient and gather the basic evidence that will serve as the foundation for my request to be accepted, not only by Pengadilan Agama but also by the institution where I work. Yes, to submit my request to Pengadilan Agama, I have to complete the required documents first, one of which is an official permission letter from my institution. Unless he’s the one who files (talak), which would make it easier for me to be freed from this unpleasant status as soon as possible. Bye mutherfucker, something like that.

I know this will take a long time. Starting from reaching the evidence/reasons for me to file for separation, then I have to apply for the permission letter. I’ll probably need about nine months. It’s truly a waste of precious time. No wonder I feel so pressured. It’s like—I’m already so sick of carrying the status of “wife” when I’m not even given a chance to play that role properly. Not loved, not cared for, not sought after, not even provided for. So what’s the point of this marriage? He seems perfectly comfortable giving someone the silent treatment for days. I’ve concluded he really is paok.

When I think about it again, I feel so deeply wronged by my position right now. If he doesn’t want to, feels awkward, or is trapped by his own ego, then at the very least, let me go. Return me to my parents. Tell my father that you can’t “guide” me anymore. Say that you don’t love me. Say that you’d rather choose your sister over your wife. Say it! I hope he’ll talak me soon. With a clear talak. I refuse to stay stuck in this status for long. I’d rather go back to my family, to my mom and dad, than be tied up and trapped in a marriage with him—trapped in a shallow well with an elephant.

That’s why I would feel so relieved if he suddenly contacted me or just threw a lawsuit straight to the Religious Court. In my opinion, there’s nothing left to hold on to. From the beginning, he never gave me anything anyway. Just a man who married me for his own interests. I’ve tried every option to fix our communication, to find a way out. But if the “way out” he wants is for me to obey like a donkey in front of him, then please—go find another woman who’s willing to be ordered to bow without any self-respect.

Like I told him the last time we met (16/03/2026), “...I forgive you, Mas, but I can’t continue all of this with you anymore. I hope you find someone who can accept you and your sibling the way you want.” That was my closing statement.

If he still thinks everything is fine and that I’m just mad for the moment, YOU’RE REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID. Use your head and think.

Once again, yes, this is a hard season for me, and I will go through it sincerely, just as sincerely as I accepted myself marrying him. I’ll fill my days with things that are useful. Because happiness is determined by ourselves, not by other people. If my husband can’t love me properly—the way a husband reasonably should—then I will love myself more than any man in this world. SELF LOVE AJIGILE.

your problemo

I don’t know what my sister did in her past life, but it seems like her fate with friendships is really unfortunate. Every friendship story she tell me sounds toxic and overly dramatic. Whenever I advise her to avoid things like that, strangely, she always reply, “But it’s exciting.” I think there’s something wrong with her way of thinking.

The way she seek friends is entirely different from mine. I would never make promises to someone I’ve just met; in short, I’m always skeptical about people and try not to expect much. So, if the relationship doesn’t turn out the way I hoped, I won’t feel disappointed.

Facu, on the other hand, easily becomes close or makes commitments with strangers. I call them strangers because they’ve only talked for two days. I wouldn’t laugh easily or make content with strangers, but she can. I wouldn’t accept someone’s invitation to eat together just because we’ve met for a few days. To me, eating is something very personal, and it’s a way to observe someone’s character. I don’t want to be judged so casually by a stranger. What’s even more bizarre is that they would go on a mountain hike with some random kid. Personally, I’ve avoided befriending naive kids like that ever since someone stole my candy during my lessons class.

In short, Facu’s friendships are a mess. She hang out with toxic people, guys with a weak mentality, actual pussy, and team up with ampas tai. Listening to her stories makes me dizzy. Why are you like this? Why are you always caught up in conflicts or, at the very least, have your name dragged into them in a bad way?

What are you trying to prove by provoking people with this behavior? It’s obvious that the people in your circle aren’t living meaningful lives. Look at people who actually have a life—they’ve moved on and created their own stories. Meanwhile, the ones clinging to that place are just looking for any opportunity to stir up drama, and that includes you.

I no longer see that place as my old workplace—maybe just a memory. Even the people there, when I meet them outside, I consider strangers. I don’t want to get involved with them anymore or have any contact except for work-related matters. Since I realized I wasn’t important to them, I’ve decided to think the same way. That place is nothing more than an old place that holds some memories and marks a chapter in my career. Nothing more, nothing less.

Unlike me, who avoids conflict and keeps away from irrelevant matters, Facu often gets tangled up in other people’s stories. It’s better to be a spectator than to be the subject of gossip. Seriously, how long are you going to let your name be passed around in their filthy mouths? Disgusting.

day- 277 "Hey Tua Bangka!"

I would say that the departure of my former boss (to another office) taught us a valuable lesson. Appreciate what you have because you never know when that blessing will be taken away by God.

My new boss is an older man, nearing retirement age. He recently recovered from a stroke and insists on working, even though he's no longer fit for the job. Before he arrived, we were warned about his condition, so we were forced to be patient and accept it.

When we first met him, we all felt sorry for him. Sorry because of many things—he’s old but still working, recovering from a stroke, and, well, he's old. But over time, we understood why this old man (we started calling him "TB," short for "Tua Bangka," meaning old geezer) doesn’t deserve any respect at all.

TB has an inflated sense of his ability to work, but the reality is not on his side. He struggles just to walk straight. There are many shortcomings in TB that make him someone to avoid—let me list them: he can't drive himself, he's stingy, perverted, clueless, delusional, forgetful, petty, stupid, smelly, and dresses like someone who's lost it.

We all know something's off with him—his sanity. But TB is completely oblivious and acts as if he can still work and earn a salary that doesn't match his contributions, which is nothing.

At first, everyone sympathized with him, seeing him like their father or grandfather, thinking, "How could you be so harsh to an old man?" Who cares! If it were my own family, I might still be understanding, but for someone else? A stingy, petty old geezer like him? Big no. Now, everyone is starting to agree that TB belongs on the list of cursed people.

Strangely, despite his miserable condition, none of TB’s family comes to visit or take care of him. He’s all alone here, living in a rented house—whether he even pays for it, I don’t know. But one thing is clear: no one wants to deal with TB anymore because he’s so stingy.

What’s more disgusting is that, despite his age, TB still has a certain "need." His desire for worldly pleasures and sexual urges is still there, and he satisfies it by watching explicit films on the office computer. Isn’t that just absurd? Eventually, since he couldn't be reasoned with, my big boss decided to replace his computer with a laptop that doesn’t connect to the office internet. It’s like giving a kid a toy for entertainment.

Don’t ask, “So, how does he work?”

Of course, he doesn’t. He can't work. We handle all his job logins. If there’s a letter that needs to be sent, we send it ourselves. Honestly, we’re like sheep without a shepherd.

I have zero respect left for TB. I don’t care about anything he does. If he makes small talk and stands around in the back office for hours, disrupting others, I just ignore him. TB often even calls people by the wrong name. Some people still care, but I, quite bluntly, don’t.

Right now, we’re in the process of sending TB to the hospital. Whether he likes it or not, TB needs to get a medical certificate and submit it to HR. That needs to be processed so that HQ knows one of its employees is no longer fit for work. The problem is, we’re a service office, with our main focus being stakeholder service. It’s impossible for us to stick with a boss who’s already incapacitated.

At the very least, if you can’t do the job, have some self-awareness. Your body and mind are not capable of leading, but he refuses to step down. So what now? You want to collect a paycheck for doing nothing for years?

To me, TB isn’t my boss; he’s just an old man hanging around the office. Whether he’s here or not, the world stays the same.

Bye~

tentukan pilihanmu

But this isn’t about Richeese.

This is about you. Idiot.

I think the most exhausting thing is dealing with someone indecisive—someone who doubts their own choices, can’t even decide what they want, and has to ask others for everything, relying on them. The worst part is when someone suggests a choice, they reject it: “I’m not in the mood for fried food.” Ugh, idiot.

I never imagined I'd encounter something like this in front of me. Maybe it’s because I was raised in a strict environment—more specifically, my mom was strict. I wasn’t given the chance to be spoiled, indecisive, or take forever to make a decision. Everything had to be done quickly. Negotiations were allowed, but they had to be quick too. I was taught to make my own decisions.

At first, I was forced into things, but eventually, I learned to say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t want to’ to the decisions my mom made, especially those directly involving me. I started to realize that not everything my parents suggested felt right for me. Not everything my mom gave me was easy to accept. I demanded explanations, and when those explanations didn’t make sense to me, I had no choice but to reject them. I’m sorry, Mom, but now I have my own voice. Even if it made me rebellious at the time.

Sometimes they accepted it, sometimes they got angry. But more often, they accepted it, though there was anger at first. I wasn’t afraid. As my mom used to say, “I was always terrified when your grandma got angry or raised her voice. I wouldn’t dare talk back or respond like you do.” Sorry again, Mom.

In my opinion, it’s no longer relevant for children to fear their parents. I don’t want my future children (if I have any) to be afraid of me. I’d rather they respect me. Speak politely, be brave enough to express their feelings, share their opinions, listen to and follow advice, and love their parents. You don’t need to raise your voice to earn respect from your kids. Loosen up, Mom and Dad.

Not every child has the foundation to make their own decisions, but it can be trained. Everyone can do it, as Yura says. The only thing you can’t do is hug the sun. So start by learning to make decisions, starting with something small, like deciding what to eat for lunch today.

After Effect Menonton Film "Tuhan Izinkan Aku Berdosa"

I feel like I need to write about him before I lose the euphoria of this feeling. Yeah, I’ll start this story with an Instagram live video from Samo's account last night. Normally, I’m not the one who like to watch live videos, but since it was Samo, who I had just seen on the big screen a few days ago, I decided to join.

Like any other social media influencer, Samo greeted his followers on Instagram. He was bored, smoking on a rooftop, and enjoying the Jakarta breeze. When he greeted us, my fingers itched to say something. Something trivial, but something I really wanted to tell him.

“Ditunggu film-film selanjutnya kak,” I wrote.

dear Rajj

I've never wondered as much as I do now. I have a friend who is no longer in this town. He moved to the capital, got married, and probably has a lovely household with his wife. Unfortunately, it seems I can only speculate about what actually happened to him.

Let's call this person Rajj.

Rajj was one of my batchmates who came to this island together and spent a few months living side by side as newcomers. I always thought Rajj was a good person. He had good manners and a pleasant demeanor, never annoying. At least, that's how I saw him until today.

day-125

I'm at a loss for words to describe the whirlwind of events that have transpired this month, especially since my return from holiday. On my first day back at work, I completely forgot to clock in, probably because my body was still adjusting back to the work routine.

To add to my woes, my colleague hadn't returned from his hometown yet, leaving me to handle a full day's workload without a partner. It was exhausting to say the least. And then, out of the blue, “this person” sent a photo of CCTV footage to the group chat with the caption, "Don't let the loket be empty." Dude, I was still on my break. It wasn't my turn to man the loket.

mungkin ini karma

I have never felt so dumb and ridiculous when I met with this person. I used to be indifferent and unconcerned about others' feelings, and now I feel so 'discarded' as a human being. 

Is this karma? 

day-70

My friend called me An evil. And I admit that I was indeed born and formed to be evil. Although I try my best to show the good side of me and not violate the norms, if I follow my heart that always wants to do evil. I am evil and I admit it.

day-65

oh boy, it's been a while since I shared a story about my workplace drama. I was just waiting for my boss to stir up trouble again, and oh God, did the universe answer my prayers swiftly. 😑

I absolutely hate receiving instructions in a piecemeal fashion. It's so disorganized and inefficient, leading to lengthy delays and multiple rounds of revisions. If he would just give clear, complete, and sequential instructions, the revision process wouldn't have to be so tedious. It could be done in just one or two rounds, and the task would be completed.

But this crazy person, I don't even know if he's stupid or what, always comes out of nowhere with new tasks or assignments. He skips the pleasantries and dives straight into the topic or second stage without explaining the first. I have to stop and figure out what he's actually trying to say. Does he think I can read his minds?

When I told my friend about it, she said that's just how he behave. 🤮

Seriously? Every task has to be like this? Has he never received leadership training or learned how to communicate with his subordinates? Does he not know how to give instructions?

I'm so exhausted.

Ilustrasi bagaimana aku terdiam sebelum menanggapi pesan dari beliau

I've had to deal with annoying bosses so many times in my career. I try not to take him personally. I try to think of him like a fart. But his constant presence is still disruptive.

Thank you, God, for giving me a job so that I can support myself and feed my cats. But most importantly, please keep me away from crazy and brainless boss.

Aamiin. 🌟🌟🌟

good bye grandma

05 March 2024

This morning, my grandma passed away.

I don't know how to react, considering this is something I've wished for. I mean, look at my post a few weeks ago when I talked about the core of the problem in my family. And now that "problem" is gone, gone forever.

This morning, my grandma passed away.

I read the message in the WhatsApp group that my mom sent. The message announced the news of her passing and was quite long, complete with the time of death and funeral arrangements. After that, I immediately called my mom. I knew she must be busy handling everything.

My mom answered the phone and thanked me for calling. I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Innalillahi wa Innailahi Rojiun." Then she said, "Pray for your grandmother so that her grave will be spacious and her sins will be forgiven. You don't have to come, you'll be home for Eid anyway." After that, I hung up the phone and fell silent.

This morning, my grandma passed away.

This is the first death in my family. So maybe I have lack of experience in all sorts of things. What should I do, how should I react, and I don't even feel heartbroken. Not yet. Maybe because I'm far away and didn't see the situation at home directly. As the eldest child, I have to be prepared, because someday this will happen and I will be the one who is relied on.

This morning, my grandma passed away.

My grandma lived in this world for eighty-three years. She experienced the aftermath of Indonesian independence, the riots of 1998, and other historical events in this country. My grandma experienced the leadership of all seven presidents who have served in this country. She had the bitterness and sweetness of life and now she leaves the world peacefully.

This morning, my grandma passed away peacefully. She leaves us who loved her dearly. We have all accepted her passing with ikhlas. May her soul journey peacefully to meet God and may all her affairs be made easy. Aamiin.

I’m confused. I’m not sad, but my eyes hurt so bad.