day-60: dear mom

All mothers are the same. They have strong instincts and intuitions about their kid. But I often ask myself in silence, does my mother care about me? Can she accept my peculiar mindset? Why isn't she open-minded like others? Why is she still so old-fashioned and conservative? How long do I have to keep my feelings hidden from my own mother?

I felt angry and disrespected when my mother suddenly told me she was going to introduce me to a man. I don't mind meeting new people, but does she even know the reason behind why I'm single? Why do I feel more comfortable being alone? Why do I feel uncomfortable around men? Why do I avoid them when they ask about my partner? What the heck, man.

You're the one who made me think that all men in this world have a trashy side, and you made me lose faith in love. You said that your life now is only a form of devotion to God and you don't think about love and your relationship with your partner anymore. You said that you do everything because of God and you don't care about your romantic relationship anymore. And then you tell me to find a partner? Ironic.

If you're telling me to find a partner just for the sake of having children, find another reason that can convince me to be excited about finding a partner. If you say that love can grow over time, so does hate.

In my opinion, your failure to communicate with your partner makes me reluctant to make the same mistake. I'm not here to prove that my life can be better than yours, and I'm not here to fulfill what you believe in. This is my life, my choice. I will regret or be grateful, it's not your job to ensure it.

I don't understand why you are so stubborn and can't listen to other people's opinions, easily hurt, vengeful, and old-fashioned. You can't hold on to that grudge against the person you live with until you die. You have to unravel those feelings and heal them. You have to solve those problems so that there are no more suspicions and dirty things you need to cover up. Instead of swallowing all that frustration and anger and passing it on to your children.

You traumatized my psyche and you could say, don't be traumatized. You know I'm a very thoughtful person. I think about everything, especially about family, about the people I love. I never thought that bad things would happen to a family that I thought was fine. Are we all going to keep this secret until we die? Are you sure about that?

Every time I come home and see them together, how long will this deception last? How long will you stop giving me those annoying hints that I have to hear every day? How long will you live in the past? When will you be able to enjoy your life?

I don't know, but I believe there is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with our family. There is something wrong with your mindset. You can change it, you can seek therapy, you can fix it besides praying to God.

Please! I’m sorry, but I don’t want it. I do not want being like you.