good bye grandma

05 March 2024

This morning, my grandma passed away.

I don't know how to react, considering this is something I've wished for. I mean, look at my post a few weeks ago when I talked about the core of the problem in my family. And now that "problem" is gone, gone forever.

This morning, my grandma passed away.

I read the message in the WhatsApp group that my mom sent. The message announced the news of her passing and was quite long, complete with the time of death and funeral arrangements. After that, I immediately called my mom. I knew she must be busy handling everything.

My mom answered the phone and thanked me for calling. I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Innalillahi wa Innailahi Rojiun." Then she said, "Pray for your grandmother so that her grave will be spacious and her sins will be forgiven. You don't have to come, you'll be home for Eid anyway." After that, I hung up the phone and fell silent.

This morning, my grandma passed away.

This is the first death in my family. So maybe I have lack of experience in all sorts of things. What should I do, how should I react, and I don't even feel heartbroken. Not yet. Maybe because I'm far away and didn't see the situation at home directly. As the eldest child, I have to be prepared, because someday this will happen and I will be the one who is relied on.

This morning, my grandma passed away.

My grandma lived in this world for eighty-three years. She experienced the aftermath of Indonesian independence, the riots of 1998, and other historical events in this country. My grandma experienced the leadership of all seven presidents who have served in this country. She had the bitterness and sweetness of life and now she leaves the world peacefully.

This morning, my grandma passed away peacefully. She leaves us who loved her dearly. We have all accepted her passing with ikhlas. May her soul journey peacefully to meet God and may all her affairs be made easy. Aamiin.

I’m confused. I’m not sad, but my eyes hurt so bad. 

day-61

(Gambar hanya ilustrasi)

After waking up for solat subuh and going back to sleep for a few minutes, I had a dream. It was a rather scary dream that gave me goosebumps. In my dream, I was alone at Rumah Sawi. I don't know where Facu and Tataw, but they clearly left me with the cats.

At 5:30 AM, I woke up and went to the bathroom. The layout of the bathroom and kitchen in the dream was slightly different from the actual layout, but I ignored it. I went to the bathroom and saw someone lying sprawled in blood. I panicked and immediately remembered the serial killer who liked to occupy empty houses. I was afraid if he was still in the house, and clearly he was still there.

day-60: dear mom

All mothers are the same. They have strong instincts and intuitions about their kid. But I often ask myself in silence, does my mother care about me? Can she accept my peculiar mindset? Why isn't she open-minded like others? Why is she still so old-fashioned and conservative? How long do I have to keep my feelings hidden from my own mother?

#mythought Nick's Podcast on Zach Sang Show

One of my dream is to travel and explore the world. I'm particularly drawn to places that I find fascinating, and I honestly dream of visiting Hawaii, Los Angeles, or even Iceland. I'm tired of living in Indonesia and I crave experiencing different cultures. However, I'm also afraid of being in new places, I don't particularly like strange things, and I have a fear of being kidnapped. 😁

I aspire to have a courageous spirit and a progressive mindset. I don't know if it's too late or not, but I (honestly) yearn to possess these qualities. One of the people I admire is Nick Sturniolo. I recently listened to his podcast on the Zack Sang Show. While there are many inspiring podcasts out there, the most recent one I listened to was Nick Sturniolo's.

Have you ever listened to a podcast so intently that you felt like you were attending a seminar? That's what happened to me. I was so engrossed in the podcast. Like many podcasts, they talked about a variety of topics, but the topics on the Zach Sang Show usually focus on the guest. It's more like an interview.

day-51

Last night, Tata, Facu, and I had dinner at Rajawali's Kedai. We planned to just eat and go back home, but I knew that was impossible because we would definitely end up chatting. Somehow, our conversation that night drifted to our school days. Then, suddenly, I remembered my embarrassing experience in high school.

When I said that high school was a dark time for me, I wasn't lying. Let me tell you. And it's so ridiculous that make me wanna throw up.

In high school, I was a loner. I had trouble socializing and making friends with new people. I considered everyone to be strangers and disgusting, but I actually needed friends. By the third week of the year, when people were already starting to study and do assignments, I was still trying to figure out my identity and the ease of this school.

If I said I was a little ‘mentally disturbed’ in high school phase, I wouldn't be lying. There was a time when I went to school wearing a bandage over my eye, wrapping my hand in cloth, and making fake blood out of ink and condensed milk just to get attention from people. I don't want to go into details, but my sister remembers it too.

Now we laugh, but when I remember that episode of my life, I can only smile bitterly and feel ashamed of myself. Why did I do that? It's ridiculous. Did people know that I was just looking for attention? Did they know that I was pretending? Did anyone have a stupid train of thought like me?

Then we agreed that I was probably possessed by a demon or in a concerning state at that time.

Thank God I'm (slightly) normal now and not doing crazy shit again.

Sturniolo Triplets 6M !

My days have become exciting because of something I look forward to every day: new content from Nick, Matt, and Chris on the Sturniolo Triplets YouTube channel. I feel incredibly happy even though I'm just watching them from my gadget screen. 😲

I've been a part of the Sturniolo Triplets family since late November 2023, and today I witnessed them reach 6 million subscribers 😉. I'm proud to be one of them. Honestly, I'm so excited for them.

perkembangan dari tahun ke tahun

Even though I joined the fandom a while ago, I'm not really interested in interacting with other Sturniolo Family members. I prefer to stand on my own and be independent in watching their content. After all, no matter where you go or what fandom you follow, there will always be drama. I'm tired of drama, and I watch the Sturniolo Triplets for entertainment only. Fandom? Not really my thing.

Besides watching their content, I also comment on fan accounts on Twitter and Instagram. There are more fans on TikTok, but I’m not that active on TikTok. I don't really like the app. I can count the number of times I've been on TikTok, maybe once a week to scroll through my FYP.

dreaming: WAR

Tonight, I dreamed that I was in a war. I don't know if it's a war between who and who, but what's clear is that I'm one of the members. The setting of my dream is in the 1950s. I became a scholar or woman who was clever in war. Not someone who fights on the battlefield, but only helps with speeches and educational assistance to the community.

At that time, me and several people were ordered to evacuate immediately because the enemy was at the forefront of our gate protection. I was ordered by the Commander to carry items and save as many files as possible, selected from files that were considered very important.

day-47

Guess what, I think my boss knew that I hate him. And think I don’t care! 😒

Everyone is free to express themselves and voice their thoughts rather than going crazy and showing up at his desk with a knife. Maybe I hate the person, but that does not make me unprofessional. I will continue to perform my duties well and responsibly. I'm paid to work, so I won't do it half-heartedly.

But sometimes I wonder what makes people know and realize that I don't like them. Is my facial expression too obvious? Do I look disgusted when talking to them? 😈

day-45

Ugh, finally, I've become a voter. It took until H-5 to sort out the moving process before I could vote near my place. I distinctly remember how, at the beginning of the year, I was so fed up that I almost decided to golput (abstain), but eventually, I use my right to vote. Five years ago, I also cast my vote in this city, but only for the president. And this time around, it was the same; I voted solely for the president. ✋

I arrived at the TPS around 11:30, well past the scheduled time for moving voters, so naturally, I thought it wouldn't be crowded. But to my surprise, it was quite the opposite. I only managed to cast my vote at 13:00 and had to wait for about an hour and a half, witnessing the foolishness of the people around me.

day-43

I hate fat people. For me, being fat is the easiest way to torture yourself. Ironically, I'm also overweight, obese actually 😐. And in my opinion, obesity is a disease that needs to be addressed immediately because starting with obesity, other diseases will follow you, including chronic diseases that cause death. It can be concluded that obesity can kill you.

Why am I suddenly talking about this? Because yesterday I just got a client who was obese. I even worried whether the client's chair would fit or not. As I was working on my task and he sat waiting in front of me, I heard a breath that sounded like air being blown through a pipe. I was startled and tried to find the source of the sound, only to be shocked by him struggling to breathe.

day-41: throw back

I don't know why I'm writing this; perhaps this syid will only remain a draft or will never be posted. But, for some reason, people might read it. This isn't some top-secret or taboo stuff that shouldn't be seen by others, but I also want to share with the world. I know this writing isn't that important; people can ignore it just like how you ignore me in daily life.

Misfortune and bad luck can happen to anyone – to me, to you, or to our loved ones. It's a shame if such misfortune befalls a friend or a loved one; we surely feel hurt and sad. I've spent the past few days with a mind that won't stop thinking. My body is exhausted, but my mind refuses to be still. Uninvited voices and opinions keep emerging in my subconscious and manage to enter my dreams. Even the Sturniolo Triplets couldn't make it into my dream world, bro. Huh.

I'm trying to stop the madness that has been happening these past few days. I distract myself with activities I find enjoyable and shift conversations to more pleasant topics. I am a thinker and not easily forget an event. Moments of joy or sadness, everything is vividly etched in my mind. That's why sometimes I fear losing those memories and write them down in a book, or struggle to forget the bad things. What a problematic person I am.

I won't tell the details because I don't have the right to do so. I'll only express my feelings, what I'm experiencing right now. It's all mixed up. My mind says this, but my heart keeps denying it, as if this is a struggle of the soul unsure of who will win – anjay.

But if I were in her position, I'm a hundred percent sure I wouldn't be able to sleep, wouldn't have an appetite, and wouldn't be focused at work. Forget that I am an employee who has a 9-5 job, goes to the office, and serves everyone. Working like that is already exhausting, let alone adding problems that should never have existed in the first place. I would be 100% burnt out, take a leave, avoid meeting people, and maybe I don't know... worst case scenario.

I'm confident that we are all strong and can face all of this, even if it means shedding tears first. Perhaps others think I'm okay, 'Hey, why are you so normal? Aren't you worried?' I'M PANICKING, MOTHERFUCKER, BUT STILL CALM BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, I BELIEVE EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, AKA ALL IS WELL. But I'm not.

I don't know how many pages I've written to Bill, but one thing is clear – if Bill really reads it, he must have already sighed, sought forgiveness, or resigned from being my imaginary friend. Well, he said he's resigning.

There's no perfect crime.