ME versus me

Sometimes, giving in is something a person can do in order to win. In the past, whenever my friends told me about the things that had hurt them, I would immediately feel furious on their behalf. Why didn’t they fight back? Why didn’t they settle the score? I thought they were far too kind, always choosing to remain silent and give in, allowing injustice and misunderstanding to simply pass without resistance.

I didn’t like that.

Kali Ini Saya Akan Lawan #yapping

I never imagined that, at this age, I would find myself entering a chapter of life like this. I will be the first person in my family line to end a marriage. I never thought I would hire a lawyer either. It was certainly never something I put on my vision board. It all seemed to arrive without warning, like a tsunami.

This morning, I overslept and left for work late. But thanks to flexitime, I still managed to clock in on time. Even so, I felt guilty because oversleeping was still my fault. There was a reason for it, though. I did not arrive back in Tasikmalaya until 2:30, and I could not fall asleep until 4:00.  

Then, earlier this morning, Rendy, my lawyer, contacted me with several questions that needed immediate answers. While covering the TPT service desk, I replied to him, responded to a few WhatsApp messages, and took short breaks whenever I was not calling the next person in the queue.  

Then, just as our shift at the service counter was almost over, someone suddenly sent a message to the WhatsApp group. The message essentially said that we should keep calling the queue, even though our shift was nearly finished, instead of doing things unrelated to work. But I know he direct it to me.

I was cramping, dealing with PMS, and already exhausted, so I finally responded. It was the kind of remark I would normally never answer. I had always stayed quiet and allowed them to make their little jabs in the group, but this time, I spoke up. “Kenapa memang nya? Kayak yang lain nggak pernah melakukan hal selain TPT aja. Lagian aku sudah manggil antrian 19/59, sabar.” The only response I received was, “Okay.” Bitch. 

Then the Unlucky Bastard appeared and quoted my message. “Untung saja KPP bukan Swasta.” Pure rage baiting. Asshole. 

Cuti Besar Enak Kali ye? #yapping

A little while ago, I found myself seriously considering taking an extended leave from work. It is a type of leave available once every five years, with a maximum duration of three months. 

Aside from the fact that I am already tired of seeing the same people every day—especially that unlucky bastard, I simply want to step away from my job for three months. Then perhaps I can return with a renewed sense of enthusiasm. 

Unlucky bastard #yapping

I have honestly grown so tired of working. Besides everything happening in my personal life, I also find my workplace increasingly frustrating. I do not want to immediately label it “toxic,” because perhaps I am the problem. Maybe I have simply lost my motivation.  

These days, I merely show up for work and go home. There is no real sense of purpose left in it. I am simply fulfilling my obligations because I am being paid to do so. Had I been working for a private company, I probably would have received my first written warning by now.  

Today, I felt utterly exhausted. I arrived early in the morning and had to be immediately ready for front-desk duty at the MPP (mal pelayanan publik). Then, in the afternoon, I also had to cover the TPT service desk. With a schedule like that, I have to figure out for myself when to return to the office, take a break, solat, and attend to everything else.  

When I think about it, working as a frontliner is genuinely draining. There is barely any room to pause, breathe, or manage myself at my own pace. So, I try to arrange things in whatever way keeps me from losing my mind.  

But this unlucky bastard always seems determined to find fault with other people.  

I genuinely wanted to respond because I felt offended by what he wrote in the group chat. But my friend told me, “Just let it go. The moment you engage with him, you lose.”  

I know I was wrong for falling asleep. But he is still incredibly irritating.  

I feel like taking extended leave, stepping away from everything, and finally giving myself a moment to breathe.

 

 

Salma, what is this behavior? #yapping

Honestly, one thing that I really hate is having problems with coworkers. I always try to keep my relationships at work normal. Not too close, not too distant. Just coworkers being coworkers.  

At my previous office, I once had beef with someone. Thankfully, we managed to work things out, and somehow, we ended up becoming even closer than before. I was also once labeled as the 'problem' by my supervisors because I refused to follow rules that, in my opinion, they had simply made up. I felt like they were not being objective at all. It was basically a double standard.  

And now, here I am again, dealing with subtle jabs from coworkers in the same section.  

They never say anything directly, of course. Instead, they keep throwing sarcastic comments into the group chat. Do they really think those little comments are going to make me feel intimidated or 'shaken'? If you have something to say, just talk to me directly. I will answer.