ME versus me

Sometimes, giving in is something a person can do in order to win. In the past, whenever my friends told me about the things that had hurt them, I would immediately feel furious on their behalf. Why didn’t they fight back? Why didn’t they settle the score? I thought they were far too kind, always choosing to remain silent and give in, allowing injustice and misunderstanding to simply pass without resistance.

I didn’t like that.

Then came the day when it happened to me. I was given a choice: fight back, or let those dogs keep barking. The evil side of me said that I had to fight and do revenge. But the thirty-year-old Salma within me told me to stay calm and let it all be. Let it flow, let it go. 💖

Thirty-year-old Salma needs a few minutes to process her emotions before responding in a more relaxed and composed way. If I react spontaneously, there is a much greater chance that Salma the Evil will emerge. Lately, however, I have become better at talking to my thirty-year-old self and reminding her that we can get through this gracefully. 

I believe this situation will pass, and I will make it through. Then there will come a day when I can laugh and smile the way I did when I was younger—especially during my elementary and middle school years. Honestly, I miss those days. I miss the time when I could laugh freely and speak honestly about my feelings with the people around me. I felt like my true self—cheerful, enthusiastic, and funny in my own way.

The truth is, that version of Salma is still here. She still lives within me. I am still the same quirky Salma, but I cannot show that side of myself to just anyone. I miss being that version of me. For now, I can only reveal her to my closest friends, my bro and sist, and the walls of my bedroom. 

Will God ever send me someone with who I can share this quirkiness?  

Now, that thirty-year-old Salma has taken charge of my decisions and the way I carry myself, I feel that I have become quieter, more observant, more judgmental, and more conscious of the image I present. To who, exactly? I don’t even know. I have no idea who I am trying to impress or make a good impression on. No, I don’t even care what people think of me, whether they see me as this or that. I do what I believe is right, and I am willing to accept advice that genuinely helps me become a better person. 

We cannot live alone in this world. Even with the most powerful tool of all—money 👅, we still need other living beings. I used to believe that I could do everything on my own as long as I had that kind of power. Whether or not I needed anyone’s help, as long as I could continue working and had the means to support myself, I thought I did not need anyone else.

 That sounds terribly arrogant, and I admit it. 😈

But I still need my family. I need my friends. Sometimes, I even need a complete stranger simply to examine me and tell me whether I am physically unwell or merely losing my mind, a doctor.  

The older and more mature I become, the more I realize how meaningless that arrogance truly is. All of it is merely temporary attachment and fleeting strength. If God wills it, everything can disappear in the blink of an eye, and I will be left with nothing. There is nothing within me worth boasting about. There is nothing that could ever place me above anyone in the presence of God.  

Perhaps in this world, all of those things mean something. They may represent strength, influence, and power. But afterlife, they will all simply disappear. I always pray, “Ya Allah, keep pride and arrogance away from me. There is nothing I could ever take pride in before You.”  

And that is how thirty-year-old Salma thinks. Full of reflection and throwbacks.  

Is this what everyone needs when they reach what feels like the halfway point of their life? 💗💗💗