Is This The End

Even though my psychologist has told me to accept everything—my sadness and my anger—I’m still (a little) uneasy about where I am right now. It feels like I want to wrap everything up as soon as possible and be free of him. But of course, that’s not easy administratively and in terms of SOP. As an employee who works under regulations, I can’t just casually file for divorce whenever I feel like it, because, well, my job. There are steps I have to take to reach that point.

If he refuses to pronounce talak—which is a stupid reason, considering he was the one who offered it to me first—then I’ll file a lawsuit. But to file a lawsuit, I have to be patient and gather the basic evidence that will serve as the foundation for my request to be accepted, not only by Pengadilan Agama but also by the institution where I work. Yes, to submit my request to Pengadilan Agama, I have to complete the required documents first, one of which is an official permission letter from my institution. Unless he’s the one who files (talak), which would make it easier for me to be freed from this unpleasant status as soon as possible. Bye mutherfucker, something like that.

I know this will take a long time. Starting from reaching the evidence/reasons for me to file for separation, then I have to apply for the permission letter. I’ll probably need about nine months. It’s truly a waste of precious time. No wonder I feel so pressured. It’s like—I’m already so sick of carrying the status of “wife” when I’m not even given a chance to play that role properly. Not loved, not cared for, not sought after, not even provided for. So what’s the point of this marriage? He seems perfectly comfortable giving someone the silent treatment for days. I’ve concluded he really is paok.

When I think about it again, I feel so deeply wronged by my position right now. If he doesn’t want to, feels awkward, or is trapped by his own ego, then at the very least, let me go. Return me to my parents. Tell my father that you can’t “guide” me anymore. Say that you don’t love me. Say that you’d rather choose your sister over your wife. Say it! I hope he’ll talak me soon. With a clear talak. I refuse to stay stuck in this status for long. I’d rather go back to my family, to my mom and dad, than be tied up and trapped in a marriage with him—trapped in a shallow well with an elephant.

That’s why I would feel so relieved if he suddenly contacted me or just threw a lawsuit straight to the Religious Court. In my opinion, there’s nothing left to hold on to. From the beginning, he never gave me anything anyway. Just a man who married me for his own interests. I’ve tried every option to fix our communication, to find a way out. But if the “way out” he wants is for me to obey like a donkey in front of him, then please—go find another woman who’s willing to be ordered to bow without any self-respect.

Like I told him the last time we met (16/03/2026), “...I forgive you, Mas, but I can’t continue all of this with you anymore. I hope you find someone who can accept you and your sibling the way you want.” That was my closing statement.

If he still thinks everything is fine and that I’m just mad for the moment, YOU’RE REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID. Use your head and think.

Once again, yes, this is a hard season for me, and I will go through it sincerely, just as sincerely as I accepted myself marrying him. I’ll fill my days with things that are useful. Because happiness is determined by ourselves, not by other people. If my husband can’t love me properly—the way a husband reasonably should—then I will love myself more than any man in this world. SELF LOVE AJIGILE.