mungkin ini karma

I have never felt so dumb and ridiculous when I met with this person. I used to be indifferent and unconcerned about others' feelings, and now I feel so 'discarded' as a human being. 

Is this karma? 

I believe in what is called karma because what goes around, comes around. For years, I've hidden the true facts about what I really feel, and I've been too afraid to speak the truth on the tip of my tongue. If this is karma, then I will accept it with an open heart. I won't be angry and blame you for your behavior. I realize it and won't complaint. If I could speak loudly, I would apologize and hope you won't leave.

But this is life, people come and go. I just want to always be in your life and be a good friend. Maybe I'm the most annoying and selfish person in the world. I'm also hard to understand. I'm still trying to understand myself. The world doesn't just revolve around my life, and I don't feel or act like the main character in someone else's life.

I realize that what I sow I will reap, including in making friends or interacting with other human beings. I realize how bad my attitude towards others is. I feel like I'll be alone until I'm old. I won't force others to understand me and will let myself be matured by circumstances. This experience will be the best teacher in my life.

What I want now is for others to see how much effort I put into becoming a better person. Not to ask for forgiveness and redeem mistakes but as a form of self-improvement, proof that I can be good and my soul can still be healed.

I didn't expect being 'discarded' would feel this painful. I wouldn't dwell on it too much if it were a new person or if I had just met you for a few days. But it's you, someone I've known for a few years. At least I feel discarded. Whether you've discarded me or not, I don't know. It's just my feeling.

Imagine being discarded by a friend like this, let alone if my parents no longer consider me their child or strike me off the family card. This would be my worst nightmare, even though I once thought I could live without my family's mark, I don't think I could bear the pain.

From now on, I will be kind and be a good daughter who doesn't make my mom upset. I will be a good sister and always listen to my siblings. I won't disappoint my friends again. And I will always listen to the good side in my heart.