Honestly,
deep down in my heart, I still can't accept what my friends have done. I used
to be a simple person, wanting to express myself, seeking freedom, and inner
peace. I couldn't even find that. They judged me, ignored me for a week, and
did exactly what I had read in bullying stories.
Deep
down in my heart... I felt that it was unfair. I am just like other people who
want to express themselves, but they... they are so arrogant and seem to be
suppressing me. Even though in the end they did a "good" thing by
gathering people from my class, making a group without me, talking about me,
etc. My foolish self felt, "Oh, please attack me, please isolate me as
much as you want, it won't change anything!"
In
the end, I stopped it, but not wholeheartedly. Everything went so awkwardly.
Until this very moment, I feel observed, watched, and also feel resentment
towards their judgmental behavior. I am still a teenager, I still need a place
to express my emotions, to pour out everything that is in my head. Then
suddenly people come, judge, ask with disgusting curiosity. Ask more sharply
than a journalist's pen.
I
am very angry. I want to explode. I want to yank their hair one by one and drag
them to the edge of a cliff and push them with all my strength.
Do
those people know that I never accepted all of their attitudes?
Do
those people know that I have lost my rights?
Can't
they understand me? Understand a Salma who is still a teenager, full of
turmoil, rebellion, and possessed by the devil. Do they know about the mental
illness that I have? Do they know that I once went to the doctor and asked, "Am
I crazy, doc?"
It
is impossible for me to say that. At that time, "mental illness" was
not considered important, even though children of my age had the same problems.
I tried to solve it myself. I tried not to hurt myself. But those people,
unknowingly, had already hurt me. Hurt me in the deepest part. Destroying me
far within.
How
can I ask them to be responsible?
School
counselor? Bullshit! I have never been able to trust anyone. I have a problem
with trusting others. The darkest part of my life... let me know. I don't care
about the darkest part of your life either. Don't interfere in other people's
affairs, don't interfere in my affairs.
